MAD MIKE'S JOKES ONLY THREAD - Page 2 - Yamaha Grizzly ATV Forum
General Discussion Welcome to General Discussion. This is a general forum where we talk about anything that is NON-GRIZZLY related. Please post in the appropriate forum that relates (we have engine forums, tire forums, accessory forums...and all the others too) to your topic. This way when someone (including us) comes here to look for answers, it will be a lot easier to find info. If you are posting something in general that you cant find a forum for, then this is the place to put it. Thanks for helping us try to get the info organized.

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post #16 of 441 Old 11-19-2009, 01:51 PM
 
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Two new kids were in class one day Teacher asks them there names 1st boy stands up and says snot nose the teacher says thats not funny. and asks what is your name . the kid says snot nose. the teacher says go to the Principals office. the boy heads for the door hits his brother on the way by and says come on s**t head shes not going to belive you ether.

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post #17 of 441 Old 11-20-2009, 08:46 PM
 
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Whats in a name?

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post #18 of 441 Old 11-20-2009, 10:33 PM
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Little Johnny watched his Science teacher start an experiment with worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After 24 hrs, these were the results:

Worm in alcohol - Dead.
Worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Worm in sperm - Dead.
Worm in soil - Alive.

The Science teacher asked the class, "Now, what can we learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

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post #19 of 441 Old 11-20-2009, 10:36 PM
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BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the
server, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only
fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times.

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post #20 of 441 Old 11-20-2009, 10:44 PM
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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:




First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. T herefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.




Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.




2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.




So which is it?




If we accept the postulate given to me by T eresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. T he corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, T eresa kept shouting "Oh my God."




The student got an A.

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post #21 of 441 Old 11-23-2009, 12:19 AM
 
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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post #22 of 441 Old 11-23-2009, 12:39 AM
 
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends... *


**Friendship among Women:*
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.*


**Friendship among Men:*
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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post #23 of 441 Old 11-23-2009, 01:08 AM
 
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All the good jokes aren't clean. Dang censorship!
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post #24 of 441 Old 11-23-2009, 01:52 PM
Wanting warm weather!!
 
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Daddys car just pulled in the driveway!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**



**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**


**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

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post #25 of 441 Old 11-24-2009, 05:22 PM
 
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Two guys were out rideing there snowmobiles checking a pipe line 1st guy stops at the shack 2nd guy goes on. 2nd guys sled is not running right looks down sees oil everywhere stops decides to eat and wait for his bud. 1st guy pulls up and says did you blow a seal? the other guy wipes his mouth and says no its MAYO!

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post #26 of 441 Old 11-24-2009, 05:41 PM
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Unhappy Bad Day?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he
has his first meeting with the devil...


Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"


Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it "Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, an d smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're
dead anyhow."


Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs
you want. You're dead so who cares."


Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."


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post #27 of 441 Old 11-24-2009, 05:50 PM
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Smile Any One Love Math?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H! I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z


is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top


Don't you just Love it!!!


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post #28 of 441 Old 11-24-2009, 06:24 PM
 
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Confession

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"What have you done, Tommy O'Connor?" said the old Irish priest.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"I had sex with a girl."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"Who was it, Tommy?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Well, I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."<o:p></o:p>

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post #29 of 441 Old 11-24-2009, 06:25 PM
 
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Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Democrat,Republican or Southerner?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

2016 Grizzly 700 Special Edition W/EPS - Carbon Metallic
27in Kenda Bearclaw HTR
Ricochet Full Skid Plates w/UMHV
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Yamaha Rear Cargo Box
PowerMadd Guards & Wraps
RotoPax 4 gal Fuel Pack

2009 Rhino 700 Special Edition - Black
27in Sedona Rip Saw on ITP Black SS108 Wheels
Viper Max 4000 w/Amsteel Blue
Ricochet Full Skid Plates, K&N Filter, EZ Steer Power Steering

Totron 12in LED Light Bar & 4 - 3in Cubes
J Strong Roof & Windshield

J Strong Front & Rear Bumpers
J Strong Dual Battery Isolator


2002 Grizzly 660 - SOLD

US Govt survey shows three out of four people make up 75% of the total population.

Last edited by UpstateNYGrizz; 03-11-2015 at 07:06 PM.
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Doctors Visit

Doctor's Visit<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says “Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Frank is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
The doctor says “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Frank asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Doc replies, “No, but it will teach you what your butt is for.”<o:p></o:p>

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US Govt survey shows three out of four people make up 75% of the total population.
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