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RIP Mike Mayho
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3,703 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Keep it clean or it will delete the thread. We can laugh all we want but too many replies will clutter this up and will take up too much time to keep editing, so please keep replies to a minimum.

Thanks.

Edit: Mad Mike is not with us anymore. He passed in early 2013. Post some jokes...he'll see them from heaven maybe.

God Bless Mike Mayho (Mad Mike). RIP buddy!
 

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RIP Mike Mayho
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3,703 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
A boy walks into his Dads shop and asks him to explane the diffarnce between theory & reality. the dad says ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for a millon dollars. the boy comes back and said she would do it. than dad said go ask your sister if she would. the boy comes back and said she would too. the dad said there you go in THEORY I'M SITTING ON 2 MILLON DOLLARS IN REALITY WERE JUST LIVIVNG WITH A COUPLE OF HOES!
 

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After a Long Day


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution.


His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about,'What time of night to be getting home is this?

Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight
of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T
YOU EVER STOP?!'
 

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225 Posts
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as
stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes
<o:p></o:p>
really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she
decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the
house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,
she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home
at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into
the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool
of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and
a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she is okay.. She replies yes. He asks what she is
doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that
not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do
it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she
has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she
was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...,

You'll love this..., Yep... I know you
will...,

'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
 

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Just Add Dirt
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388 Posts
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.... The
officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, Medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the
ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away.



 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top"> The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration'






The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'




Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye'




Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.




'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.




Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a break even.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay' the auditor asks.




'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'



</td></tr></tbody></table>

 

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A little boy came home from school one day and asks his mother. why am i Black and you are white His Mother replies,Dont even start with me, after that party your lucky you dont Bark .:devil:
 

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Just Add Dirt
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388 Posts
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'




* * * * * * * * * * *




Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny.. 'Giving up?'




* * * * * * * * * * *




The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,




'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'




* * * * * * * * * * *




Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'




* * * * * * * * * *




Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ..'




* * * * * * * * *




If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too !
 

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Deer Hunting after the Gun Ban

Deer Hunting after the Gun Ban
 

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.He hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker,

“It's not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Grow!!!’”
 

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For those of us who remember clean fun, I give you the Hollywood Squares.

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Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (about five minutes later): Loneliness!
And the audience laughed for another 10 minutes.

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink hes attractive, is it okayto come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
 

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Gun Control









 

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Gun Control

 

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I got this new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
 

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Deep in the jungle one day, a gorilla is walking around, just surveying things. Along the way, he spots a lion walking out in front, spitting occasionally. A bit later the gorilla notices that the lion is following an elephant's tracks.

The gorilla, never having watched a lion hunt before, decides to follow along, and wondering what the spitting is about. He figures it's to enhance the lions sense of smell, to better follow the track. Anyway, a few minutes later, the lion comes upon a huge pile of elephant dung. Without hesitation, the lion eats the dung, smacking his lips.

The gorilla is completely dumbfounded - what is going on here! He continues to follow the lion, and a bit later, the lion again stops at a pile of elephant dung, and eats the entire pile! The gorilla is mortified! He can't understand what is going on. He continues to follow, and within 10 minutes, another pile of elephant dung is discovered by the lion, who immediately gulps it down.

By this time, the gorilla is completely at his wits end. He runs up to the lion, grabs the lion by his mane, and says, "What's wrong with you!!! Here you are, the king of beasts, and I've seen you stoop to eat elephant dung 3 times!!! This is not giving the rest of the jungle animals a good impression of you, and it's certainly going to affect young lions growing up. What's your problem?!"

The lion looks at the gorilla and says, "I had a lawyer for lunch, and ever since, I've been trying to get the bad taste out of my mouth".

------------------------------------------

A hiker is hiking in the mountains, turns a corner on the trail, and comes face to face with a grizzly bear. HUGE bear! The hiker turns and runs back down the mountain, all the while hearing the bear get closer and closer.

Soon, the hiker feels the hot breath of the bear on the back of his neck. Finally exhausted, the hiker throws himself on the ground and prays, "Oh Lord, please let this be a Christian bear".

The hiker lays there, nothing happens. Waits a bit more, nothing happens. After a bit more time, the hiker hears some growling mumbles. Finally, the hiker raises his eyes, there to see the bear sitting on it's haunches with his front paws together, and eyes closed. And he hears the bear praying, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food we're about to eat".
 

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Two new kids were in class one day Teacher asks them there names 1st boy stands up and says snot nose the teacher says thats not funny. and asks what is your name . the kid says snot nose. the teacher says go to the Principals office. the boy heads for the door hits his brother on the way by and says come on s**t head shes not going to belive you ether.
 

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Whats in a name?

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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
 

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CRASH STUNT MEMBER
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8,094 Posts
Little Johnny watched his Science teacher start an experiment with worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After 24 hrs, these were the results:

Worm in alcohol - Dead.
Worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Worm in sperm - Dead.
Worm in soil - Alive.

The Science teacher asked the class, "Now, what can we learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!
 

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BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some
coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the
server, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very
deep, husky voice the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only
fair -- given that you're blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a
black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still
wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head,
and mutters,

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times.
 

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.


The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:




First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. T herefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.




Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.




2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.




So which is it?




If we accept the postulate given to me by T eresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. T he corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, T eresa kept shouting "Oh my God."




The student got an A.

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