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1,718 Posts
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

355 Posts
Proof that Men Have Better Friends... *

**Friendship among Women:*
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.*

**Friendship among Men:*
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

173 Posts
All the good jokes aren't clean. Dang censorship!

Wanting warm weather!!
729 Posts
Daddys car just pulled in the driveway!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number........* :peace:

Premium Member
2,104 Posts
Two guys were out rideing there snowmobiles checking a pipe line 1st guy stops at the shack 2nd guy goes on. 2nd guys sled is not running right looks down sees oil everywhere stops decides to eat and wait for his bud. 1st guy pulls up and says did you blow a seal? the other guy wipes his mouth and says no its MAYO!:banana:

8,094 Posts
Bad Day?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he
has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it "Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, an d smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're
dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs
you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

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8,094 Posts
Any One Love Math?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

A B C D E F G H! I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

Don't you just Love it!!!

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Premium Member
2,629 Posts

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"What have you done, Tommy O'Connor?" said the old Irish priest.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"I had sex with a girl."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"Who was it, Tommy?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"No father, please forgive me for my sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Well, I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."<o:p></o:p>

Premium Member
2,629 Posts
Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Democrat,Republican or Southerner?

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:


Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"
Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Premium Member
2,629 Posts
Doctors Visit

Doctor's Visit<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Gay Frank goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says “Frank, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Frank is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
The doctor says “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Frank asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Doc replies, “No, but it will teach you what your butt is for.”<o:p></o:p>

Premium Member
2,629 Posts

ETERNAL LAWS OF GOLF<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
LAW 1: No matter how bad our last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 9th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 9: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.

LAW 10: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 11: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)

LAW 12: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See LAW`3).

LAW 13: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 14: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 15: The last 3 holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 16: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 17: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 18: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 19: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

LAW 20: The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.

LAW 21: If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 22: Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.

LAW 23: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

LAW 24: It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie.

LAW 25: Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 26: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 27: It's not a gimme if you're still away.

LAW 28: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

LAW 29: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

LAW 30: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 31: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 32: There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 33: Hazards attract; fairways repel.

LAW 34: You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

LAW 35: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 36: Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

<o:p> </o:p>

Premium Member
2,629 Posts

Subject: I AM MAN!
Written by a man...........
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for Women, to better understand the Male

Premium Member
2,629 Posts
Not Tonight Honey

Not Tonight Honey

<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p> </o:p>
<TT>I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. </TT>

<TT>FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." </TT>

<TT>I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" </TT>

<TT>So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... </TT>

<TT>"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't </TT>
<TT>you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" </TT>

<TT>Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. </TT>

<TT>The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." </TT>

<TT>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." </TT>

<TT>Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" </TT>

<TT>I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" </TT>

<TT>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b&^$h knows I'm smarter than her.</TT>

Premium Member
2,629 Posts

THE STORY OF CREATION <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:eek:ffice" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
<o:p> </o:p>
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "And as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
<o:p> </o:p>
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
<o:p> </o:p>
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
<o:p> </o:p>
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
<o:p> </o:p>
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
<o:p> </o:p>
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
<o:p> </o:p>
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
<o:p> </o:p>
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created the Canadian "Healthcare" system.

8,094 Posts
Taxing Problem

I was having lunch with one of my favorite friends last week and the conversation turned to the government's recent round of tax cuts. “I'm opposed to those tax cuts,” the retired West coast college instructor declared, “because they benefit the rich. The rich get much more money back than ordinary taxpayers like you and me and that's not fair.”“But the rich pay more in the first place,” I argued, “so it stands to reason that they'd get more money back.” I could tell that my friend was unimpressed by this meager argument.
So I said to him, let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand. Suppose that every day 10 men go to a restaurant for dinner. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If it was paid the way we pay our taxes, the first four men would pay nothing; the fifth would pay $1; the sixth would pay $3; the seventh $7; the eighth $12; the ninth $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
The 10 men ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until the owner threw them a curve. Since you are all such good customers, he said, I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20. Now dinner for the 10 only costs $80.
The first four are unaffected. They still eat for free. Can you figure out how to divvy up the $20 savings among the remaining six so that everyone gets his fair share? The men realize that $20 divided by 6 is $3.33, but if they subtract that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would end up being paid to eat their meal.
The restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same percentage, being sure to give each a break, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so now the fifth man paid nothing, the sixth pitched in $2, the seventh paid $5, the eighth paid $9, the ninth paid $12, leaving the tenth man with a bill of $52 instead of $59.
Outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. “I only got a dollar out of the $20,” complained the sixth man, pointing to the tenth, “and he got $7!” “Yeah, that's right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got seven times more than me!”
“That's true,” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $7 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!” “Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor.”
The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up. The next night he didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They were $52 short! And that, boys, girls and college instructors, is how America's tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes should get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table any more. Over regulate and over tax those creating the jobs, they just might leave the country and then the socialist will have to cover the social handout programs bill themselves :) Be careful what you wish for!

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8,094 Posts

>For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
>We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
>Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
>intellectual way.
>Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
>magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
>one son, Jack.
>In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
>produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
>Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
>school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
>Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living
>with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
>Schitt Sherlock.
>Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a
>rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
>children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
>childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
>The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
>nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
>Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
>returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
>Crock O. Schitt


8,094 Posts
Left or Right Golfer

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they would see what they thought. They all agreed, and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts, and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.

The guys happily invited her back the next week, and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her
7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps.They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what" is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." one of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

225 Posts
the hunter

an 86 six year old man went to the doctors for his quarterly check up. the doctor asked him how he was feeling,and the 86 year old said, things are great and i never felt better.
i now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.
so what do you think about that doc? the doctor considered
his question for a minute then began to tell a story. i have a older friend,much like you,who is a avid hunter and never misses a season. one day he was setting off to go hunting.
in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. as he neared the lake ,he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waters edge. he realized that he left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot this magnificent creature. out of habit he raised his cane,aimed it the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and went BANG BANG. miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. now what do you think of that? asked the doctor. the 86 year old man said, logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds in that beaver. the doctor replied, my point exactly.

225 Posts

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>

1,718 Posts
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the side of
the road, and she got out
to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
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